


Four words

by destielsuperwholockbandhoorah



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, dean is an emotionally constipated idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 22:47:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3306224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah/pseuds/destielsuperwholockbandhoorah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For once in his life, Dean Winchester didn't know what to do. But he has to come to a decision before those blue eyes break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four words

Dean Winchester always knew exactly what to do. He was never at a loss. He always knew exactly what move to make. Exactly where to step to not make the floorboards creak in the latest haunted house, exactly how to point and shoot his gun to land the bullet right where he wanted it in the monster, exactly what to say to someone to get them to tell him what he needed to know, exactly how to get a girl into bed with him.  
He never hesitated, not when he knew what to do. And for Dean Winchester, the path had always been clear. Hunt, look out for Sam, entertain himself and numb his pain. Of course there were always doubts, to if what he was doing was right, about if someone was lying to him, if the monster was really dead, theist goes on. But those were all doubts of the results in the end, a factor of his own insecurities, and were not about what he knew to do.  
But everything was different now. He didn't know what to do, not at all. And that scared him. It scared him a lot. He didn't like the feeling that gave him, the strange, fluttery, uncertain feeling in his stomach, the way he didn't know what to do with himself. Should he make a move? Should he say something? Should he remain completely frozen? He didn't know. And that scared him. Not the kind of scared that came with facing down a monster. That was all adrenaline, heat of the moment, kill or be killed. This was different. This was real and solid and inescapable, because it was a part of him he never had to confront before. This wasn't the next apocalypse, there was no monster, nothing to kill or hit run way from.  
Well, that wasn't completely true. He could run. He considered it momentarily, but then threw the thought away. The one thing he was sure of was that he couldn't run away from this. not like he had for so long. Because, Dean now realized, he had been faced with this for many years. He just hadn't had to deal with it before. Now, there was a decision staring him down. Quite literally, in fact.  
"Dean?" Cas asked, his eyes boring holes into Dean's with their intensity. Dean could never escape those eyes. They always pinned him in place. And now, they were forcing him to a decision that he had been terrified of making for over six years now.  
Dean couldn't answer. He stood there. His expression closed because he knew that if he let it go it would choose for him. His mouth closed because otherwise it would say something he could regret. And his eyes hard because otherwise they would begin to wet his cheeks.

Cas was another story. Everything he was feeling was written plainly across his face. It was a level of trust and vulnerability from the angel that Dean had never been allowed to see before. And he wished he could just sit there and watch it and drink in every emotion and expression that it had to offer, because he might never get a chance to again. Cas's eyes in particular spoke to Dean. Some days they were bluer than others, Dean had found himself noticing. And right now they were the blues that Dean had ever seen, a deep, wonderful blue like the sky on a warm day. Dean imagined a cloud floating across the color, or maybe the moon.  
But his window was closing, as was Cas's openness. Because as Dean sat there, unresponsive, Cas's eyes filled with hurt and anger and fear and loss, and slowly the emotions began to fall away until Cas was almost reminicient of the first Day Dean had met him in his vessel.

That was the thought that finally broke Dean's indecision. Because they had come so far since then. Cas had changed so much, had become so much, had lost so much and gained so much that seeing him this way was like watching a different person. And Dean couldn't lose Cas. He could not lose his Cas, the one he had helped to live and learn. His best friend. More than that.  
He still didn't know what to do. But he did it anyways. He was still scared, he was still worried, he was still hesitant and unsure about what would happen. But he let that go, because the alternative was seeing the pain grow in Cas, it was letting him turn cold and emotionless again, and how Dean felt about that happening, well, if he thought about it then in truth he knew exactly what to do. And instead he became scared of what would happen once he did it.

"Fine, I understand," Cas had started to say, "I shouldn't have-" and he was just starting to step backwards, to leave, when Dean stretched out his arm, wrapping his fingers around Cas's wrist and holding him in place. Cas could have easily kept moving, they both knew that. But Cas had always seemed to stop when Dean told him to, he let Dean hold him back, hold him down. Dean would never sop marveling over the influence this close to all powerful being let him have over him. Maybe what Cas had told him should have been obvious all along.

"Dean?" Cas said once more, and Dean got another glimpse of the Castiel under the mask. He clung to it.

"I'm sorry I didn't answer at first," Dean began, struggling with how to voice what he was trying to say. there was so much to say, and no words to say it in. Well, really there were a few certain words. Four in fact. But Dean didn't know if saying them wouldn't destroy him, no matter how true they might be.

Cas opening his mouth to talk, and Dean pushed on before Cas could get any words out.

"Thank you."

The mask cracked and Cas was confused. "What?"

"I never say thank you," Dean told him, feeling his uncertainty rising. "And I should. About everything. This too."

Cas's face did not change, although there may have been a glimmer of hope lost in the sky in his eyes. But there was still the pain, and Dean had to dispel it. And so he swallowed his indecision, he ignored the fluttering in his stomach, and he damned the doubt to hell because what did it know anyways?

He stilll had a grip on Castiel's arm, and with it he pulled Cas closer, so his chest pushed into Dean's and his hair tickled Dean's ear. Dean hugged him.  
he hugged him like he never would get to again, like it was the only thing keeping either of them alive. He attempted to say everything with the hug, all the words that his mouth could not shape. But he knew that it wasn't enough. not this time. Nothing but spoken words could remedy this.

"Cas," Dean whispered, as Cas's hands came up to hug Dean back, tentatively at first but soon with the same intensity as Dean was holding him.

"Dean?" Cas asked once more. Dean could tell Cas knew. But he was unsure, and Dean needed to make him sure. He needed Cas to know. He needed to say the words too, not just fro Cas but for himself.

And so he let go of the last little bit of indecision and threw himself in completely with those four giant words. Because if anything was going to destroy him, it should be this. Cas.

"I love you too."


End file.
